To the Heart Seeking Comfort

I can remember it like it was yesterday. I’m sitting in a room filled with other dancers waiting for our audition for a ballet. Suddenly I see girls stepping onto a scale as their weight is called out and wrote down. The girls next to me start giggling and say “wow, everyone knows anything over 90lbs is fat.” What!? When would I have been informed that? I knew that certain numbers on a tape measure could be said and you would be considered fat, but I never associated it with a weight. As I take my turn on the scale I’m praying that I turn out to be a acceptable weight, a short breath leaves me as mine is called 93lbs. It’s official, I’m fat.

This is probably the most vivid memory I have, yet so many more also filled in places along the way and after this. Most of my life I’ve battled eating disorders in some form or fashion. The worst being the fall of 2017 into the spring of 2018. That fall it combined with depression to form a beast that took months of my life and caused splinters in relationships I have had to rebuild. I went from a healthy weight in September 2017 to eating maybe a handful of popcorn a week when I was alone, and forcing myself to throw up anything I ate to keep family and friends from worrying. Meanwhile there’s a voice in my head listing all the reasons why I don’t deserve the life I have. 

Looking around my parents backyard as my family laughs and the children run around, I’m just reminded that the joy I’m showing is just that, a show. I feel hollow inside, like I can’t connect with the people around me and that I don’t deserve to anyway. So this is it, I’ve hit the lowest I can go, I drive back to my apartment and sit alone in my room for a few days. At some point I decided enough was enough. Now, sitting in my bathtub fully clothed with a box blade next to me. Tears freely flow from my eyes as I turn my face upwards, “God. If it’s not my time. If you have something for me. I need you now. I need undeniable proof. Otherwise I’m not coming out of this tub.” As soon as the words leave my mouth I get a text from my brother, he’s asking if I want to watch a show and have dinner with him. Laughter bubbles up from deep within, as I replied that I’d be up upstairs soon. The next day I talked to my parents and got help. 

February 18th marks three years since that night. Three years since I had the most profound God moment I’d every witnessed in my life. And yet since then I’ve been able to see him in so many more ways. Since that day he has lead me into a deeper understanding of his undying and unwavering love for me. I’ve since seen people healed, miracles happen, prophecies given through me come true, and words spoken giving life. I’ve seen my God move mountains around me and for the people in my life. And every time I see these things happen I have to stop and thank God that through his grace and love I am alive to be a part of this. 

When the enemy wants to paralyze us with our emotions, the Word reminds us of the truth. And this is the soul-watering truth we need: God is our Comforter.

Take these truths, and let them wash over your tear-stained heart. They’re washing over mine.

If you’re in Christ, His Spirit, the Comforter, indwells you.

“But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid” (John 14:26–27).

Jesus understands our weaknesses, and He’s waiting with grace when we run to Him in our need.

“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need” (Heb. 4:15–16).

He comforts us so that we can turn around and comfort others through His love.

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer” (2 Cor. 1:3–6).

Grab on to these verses in hope. Pray through them in faith. Commit them to memory, so that when the enemy tempts you to embrace despair and self-pity, you can stand strong, knowing the joy of the Lord is your strength and your shield (Neh. 8:10, Ps. 28:7).

When we allow God’s truth to replace our swirling emotions, things change. When we pray for His comfort to overtake us, we’ll find ourselves renewed and set free—in really practical ways. Are you walking a difficult path? Have there been tears and sleepless nights and desperate prayers for relief? Tell me about it. I’d love to pray for you.